Pain

Why does pain come? Why do our bodies literally shake when we wracked with grief? Why do we have to endure this? I don’t know. Sometimes I just don’t know. But in hard times there is only one person to truly put your trust in, and that’s Jesus. Jesus went through it. He knows what he’s inflicting on us when we go through these things. He feels it to, and he’s walking us through it. 

“Life is just pain without death.” I don’t know where I heard that, or if I really did come up with it myself, I can’t trust myself when I come up with something, it’s usually borrowed from something. But I think in a lot of senses it’s true. Life is pain, unless there is death. Is death an escape? Death is the passing into greater light. Into greater happiness, and out of this pain. Life in this world is pain, sometimes more often for some, but everyone experiences it. And the only way out of this world is death. We’re here for a moment, and with our Savior for eternity. We leave this life of pain through death and into a far far better place than we have ever known. To borrow a little from Dickins.

To love is to hurt. I don’t why I don’t just shut myself up from everyone else. Stop making relationships with people, because one day, they will die. Things will happen to them, and when it hurts those around me, it hurts me. We love by opening up our hearts to them, and when pain comes it cuts deep. Am I just a fool giving my heart away? It is better to have loved and hurt, than to never love and never feel the pain. So if that’s a fool, I’d rather be a fool. 

English Vintner

Where I'm At

I’m outside the box. So when someone tries to put me in a box, it is irritating and I will change so as not to get put in that box. I don’t like doing the conventional. I think differently than a lot of people I know in many aspects. I’m different, and I have to be okay with that. I’m an artist.

I was offered a job earlier that would allow me to be making almost double what the standard public school teacher makes, which would be a good job and everything, but I hesitated. Why? Because money just isn’t that important to me, and I want to make sure I have my priorities right before I start getting a lot of money. I want my life to be centered on ministry for Jesus first, and then a job. I am paranoid of job security and lots of money right now, I don’t want that for me right now. I read so many times of missionaries and others who live on just enough so that it is obvious that God is granting them their daily bread, and, I want to strengthen my faith in the God of the universe, and I want to make sure I am not living the American Dream. 

To be honest for a long time a life in the country away from everyone farming away was my ideal, and in some ways I still think about that. I’d love to go to college, but I can’t justify $40,000 a year to get a really good christian education and dorm life experience, and so I wait. 

I want to tithe several of my years to the Lord. I don’t know if he has me in missions over seas all my life, but I want to spend at least a few years in service to the Lord overseas, giving me a bigger picture of the Church, and seeing God first hand in third world countries. It will change your perspective, you will pray more, you will think differently. 

So what am I doing now? Limbo? I’m working 25 hours or so a week doing what I love, my favorite art, cooking. Making a little above minimum wage and putting every penny towards my next mission trip three months in Uganda, March through June. I am depending on God to bring in the other funds, as I’m not really asking people publicly for money. I am depending on God to come through and provide all the money I need to go.

Why don’t I settle down, get a good job, a wife and stay put? I don’t know, if I knew God was calling me to that, I would submit, but he’s put other things on my heart. I read and see daily people hurting, all around me, so I try to get involved with the poor. I am so concerned about making sure my priorities are right before getting any job that makes a lot of money, that I don’t have a ‘job’ yet. 

God has called me to this path, and, it’s not about me, it’s about Him! If he wanted me to study at college that he would show me that path, if he wanted me to settle down he would lead me there, instead, he has other plans for my life! So I’m excited to watch what God will do with my life! 

English Vintner

Honduras, pt 2

----------------------------Nov. 4

I didn’t realize it was Sunday today until 8pm when someone mentioned it and I whispered to Jether “Is it really Sunday?” We got up around 6am and had quiet time, reading Bibles and praying and journalling. After a while we went to a nearby house and ate breakfast: pasta and beans. After breakfast we walked to the water source, around 2-3 km I believe. It was very fun walking and talking. We got to the source and it rained some while we were there. We prayed a blessing over it and started walking back. We stopped at a house and talked and ate some fruit; star fruit and tamarand. We got to the village and I, Jether and Braden started kicking a ball around with some of the kids. After a little while we started on the path back, loaded up with tools. On the way down we stopped at some wild coffee trees and ate a few berries, and I dipped with some coffee leaves. They contain a higher percentage of caffeine than the beans. 

We got back and Jether, myself and one of the teenagers, Olin started throwing water bottles around to each other. It was a fun game. After we finished the game we ate lunch, rise and beans. I am really enjoying the food here, albiet the saltless corn tortillas are a little bland on their won. After lunch we went down to a small soccer field and played soccer. I did surprisingly good as goaly. The game was really fun. After soccer we came up and did a childrens program. We colored plastic stainglass crosses with sharpies, and sang/taught them songs. For the final activity we got a parachute and had fun putting squeaky chickens in it, everyone at the edges of the parachute shook it up and down violently. A hilarious game. After the childrens game we did something for the adults, Brian gave a little sermon and we sang a song we knew. Jether played the guitar and I played the case for a drum. After the program we settled into little groups to talk or play. We talked a lot (me, Jether and Lynnea) with Olin, which was cool. We ate supper, which it was pretty dark at that point and hard to see much. We ate and then talked, shared a little about our highlights of the day. Then we meandered to the house where we were sleeping at. We talked with one mother who said her daughter had diarreah, and I mentioned I had charcoal, which is good for something like that. Her daughter is 3 months old and some people on the team weren’t sure it was good for her to have it. I’m not sure if it would be bad, it doesn’t really have any bad side affects, and I’d be more ready to give that than any drug. It’s hard not having access somewhere to instantly find the answer to, like on google. 

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Just read the last part of Joel. It is so awesome! 

 “Eygpt shall become a desolation and Edom a desolate wilderness, for the violence done to the people of Judah, because they have shed innocent blood in their land. But Juda shall be inhabited forever, and Jerusalem to all generations. I will avenge their blood, blood I have not avenged, for the Lord dwells in Zion.” 

Beautiful; the love that Jesus has for us, his people.

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The bond that you feel between two people is amazing. Even though I don’t understand the language very well I’m still able to communicate fairly well, especially with Olin, the 16 yr old from here. He is pretty cool and is very fun to hang out with.

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Noah’s Ark is a symbol of symbol of the final coming. When Jesus comes back the door will be shut, and only those who are inside and put their trust in Jesus, will be saved. Only those who were in Noah’s Ark were saved. All those outside died. 

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This is to the least of these. This is serving the poor. This is living a life of serving to those who are in need. Helping them, serving them. This is the life that I want to live. One of satisfaction. Obedience to God’s word. Serving the least of these.

-----------------Nov 5

I slept very well last night. I slept in a hammock, I was surprised that I slept so well, because it’s been such a long time since I’ve slept in one. Yesterday we got up aorund 5:30am and got dressed, read our Bibles and made ready for the day. We got together with the locals and paired off with them as work partners. I’m getting a nice tan here. We all filed off to where the water tank will be and started trenching. We sectioned off around 30ft per section, and dug it out to around 20” deep. Once you were done a section you would move on to the next section. We ate breakfast around 9am and lunch around 1pm. Around 2:30pm we stopped digging and started backfilling over the newly layed pvc pipe. We had around 40-60 people working and we got a lot done. I’d say a good 1200ft of pipe done, which is quite impressive. 

After work we came back and hung out for a while, I played soccer, or more like kicked around the ball doing tricks with it. After that we went to the other house where we have meetings and had a met together. 

After the meeting and some songs played by Jether and I on the drums we ate supper. Rice and beans with some cheese! After supper I talked as best I could with some of the kids around my age. We wrote down each others names on our hands. While I was digging the trench I came across this huge taranchilla. It was at least four inches long and a couple wide. When we were first starting the day this 79 yr old chick came by to help out. She said she’d walked an hour from her village and she was working working just as hard as the next person. She said the kitchen was too boring. haha

I can’t get over how beautiful this place is! Surrounded by mountains, beautiful sunries and sunsets. Deep in the heart of Honduras, doing God’s work.

How blessed I am to be here on this trip. Definitely harder than other mission trips I’ve been on. If you want to experience third world povertty, get to know the people, and work hard, go on a water project. I had a good time hearing Jay and Brian talk.

Jay has done 18 water projects and has lived here for 2 years. He’s planning to eventually move down here.

Right now what I really want to do is learn spanish. More than anything else right now. I want to do what Londa is doing. I want to learn spanish so badly right now. I want to learn spanish and then come and live in Honduras for a few years doing ministry. I’d love to work with street boys, but also up in the mountains with the locals, farming. 

A rooster just crowed directly at me. 

English Vintner

Part 1, Honduras

So, here is the first part of my Honduras trip. I will do the best I can to keep it up, Lord willing I will have the rest of my journal from my trip up on here. Forgive any spelling or grammar, at this point I'm crunched for time and if it's up it's more than I can say. I'd love to hear feed back if you have it. To Him be the glory.

Honduras, like Peru, but greener. Is that a word? Anyway... The smell of diesel fuel fills the air when you’re driving around, the streets packed with busses, motorcycles, and odd vehicles carrying people everwhere. We started with 15 people in our group from the States, somehow we fit all our luggage and everyone into that one white pickup truck. Pile in the luggage and pile in the people, haha.

There is poverty here, but it surprised me how good some of the cars people were driving. I guess it’s like being in the slums of any city, you see the rich and the poor, both sides of society mashed into one city. Unlike Pere there are very few labeled taxis. There are a lot more busses and cars that are takis than actual taxis. Of course, maybe this is my limited experience in Peru, I don’t know. 

I’m praying for Christ to show me what He has for me on this trip. Why I’m here, seeing what I’m seeing, doing what I’m doing. This is a special opportunity, I want Him to show me more of Himself through this trip..

Would I be content to live here? Would I be content to trade places with someone here? Questions that we are asking our selves as a group. Do we trust Jesus enough? Speaking of Jesus, this group LOVES Jesus! It’s been neat to see it in them.

We ate lunch at Burger King in Tegucigalpa, the capitol where we flew in, getting in around 11:30am local time.

We read exerpts from the book Radical and heard a sermon on it tonight. 

Let’s risk it all. For the sake of our children, our lives, for the sake of 1 billion people, let’s risk it all! 

[Will we die in our religion, or die in our devotion?]

A fire will only last as long as the fuel is there. So is passion and zeal for Jesus. Don’t quench it, add more to it. Stir it up! 

You go to the need. Follow Jesus outside the camp. It means going to where the prostitues and drug dealers are. We’re made Jesus a clean and more respectable Jesus than the Jesus of the Bible. But that’s not who He is. Let’s look at Jesus for who he really is. The Jesus of the Bible is going to the dirty and poor. He is going to the outcast, those who society has thrown out. God’s plan for this world is through us! 

The only real thing of this world is Jesus! If he’s not our one and all than we have none at all!

Father, make me a bold witness for you! 

What does it mean to be followers of Christ, really? We have to be obedient.

Is Jesus enough for me?

We have to first be content with Him. What does He really want?

[Entire Abandonment and Absolute Faith]

We’ll have to put extra effort into showing the love of Jesus. These are hard people. Pray for unity, for compassion, for a miracle. be bold, be out there. They don’t have  hope, or are not putting trust in it.

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[To love is better than comfort]

I feel so in love with this country and the people here. Right now all I want to do is ministry here. Work with street boys, learn the language and have relationships with people.

----------------------------- Nov. 2 

We woke up after a good nights sleep and ate breakfast. We woke up around 5:30am which felt like 7:30am. I slept with my mini sleeping bag on the concrete patio outside. Surprisingly it was pretty comfortable.

I am so in LOVE with this place! I can’t believe how much I already love everything. I love the community that you feel as a team doing this kind of thing. We all sleep in the same room, use the same two bathrooms for all 20 of us. I can’t wait to see what God has next for me this week! He is so good!

The team is 15 members from the States, 12 from a church in Minnesota, and my two cousins Lynnea and Jether and I. We met 5 more people from Honduras. Three of them are American missionaries. One of them is Larry Smoak’s niece, who’s family lives in Brazil. She’s around my age I believe, her name is Lillian. There is another girl who is around the same age, her name is Blair and she’s taken a semester off from college to come to Honduras, she lives in Norfolk, Virginia. Mary is from the church where the rest of the team is from, and she’s been in Honduras since January. Joel and Erick are two Hondurans who came down as well. Joel has some mental health problems but loves Jesus, and Erick is around 24 years old and speaks a bit of English. All five of them came down from a small village, Las Mangas outside La Cieba, where there is a campus for people to stay for periods of time. They help with an orphange, the school, and it’s what Larry Smoak started.

Last night I met someone who’s name is Steven. He is from Indiana, but is working with a mininstry called Micah Project 2.0 and they do a street boys project, taking in boys off the street. He’s pretty legit. He is really cool, speaks spanish seemlessly, and is just fun to hang out with.

John 12:23-26

“The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternity. If anyone serves me he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.”

When you plant a seed, you lose using that seed for bread. You chance that that seed will grow up and produce many more seed out of the plant, but it means thinking long term. In the short term the wisest thing would be to make flour and bread out of it and eat it. We focus on the gain.

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I am absolutely in love with this country and the people here. I love being here. It is so awesome.

[We have to prepare for the miracle] 

[God’s ability, but my responsibility]

You have to believe. Take the nest step. Obedience to Him.

How do you know if God is talking to you? Try the door, see if it is locked.

The food here is delicious. I love experiencing culture through food. Rice and beans. Tons of carbs! We’re sitting around talking about Jesus and the far away sound of Honduran music plays in the background. I feel such a close bond with the people here on the team. I had a nice talk with Blair at lunch time, got to know her better, learned about her family and life. 

-------------------------------Nov. 3

It is Saturday, we’ve had our first night in the village. Last night it rained while we were sleeping. I was in the spot that had a hole in it, and had to move my head to get out from the drips. I was also hot because I slept in my sleeping bag the whole night. I sweated all night long. But I’m loving it. I really am. I’ve been using the word bonito, but they say I can’t use it quite the same way as I use it in English. I like to use the word beautiful for everything in English, I love the word. 

It took us a good 4 hours of driving on good paved roads and than rocky dirt roads with huge pot holes to get to the village where we parked our vehicles. The last 1/4 mile is so steep that almost no two wheel drive car can get up it. But the Honduran driver we had driving the other vehicle suprisingly made it up no problem. We unloaded and the village of La Vainilla came and took most of luggage and carried it for us. 

It was about a 20 minute walk down to La Vainilla. We got here and unpacked a little bit and than hung out with them. I played soccer, or real football with half a dozen of the Hondurans from the village. A good ice breaker kind of game. The girls on the team played with the real young children and wives. We ate lunch there, plan rice and beans. We gathered into a group and we all said something. The president and treasurer of the village and all the men and women said something, thanked us for being there. Then we took turns saying things to them from our group. After that we ate supper and talked as a group. We shared our thoughts and what we thought about everything so far, than we lay down tarps, get bedding and everything ready for sleeping which took a good hour or so.

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I read the first two chapters of Philippians this morning and was struck again at Christ’s humility comind down to be one of us, not grasping equality with God a thing to be counted. In one sense we are a little picture of that. Coming to this village, eating what they’re eating, sleeping in their houses, seeking to break down every barrier as possible to show Christ’s love to them.

The sun rises high and bright and it’s hard to believe that I’m in the remote mountains of Honduras.

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A poem that came to me this morning, pertaining out trip here.

Honduras

Over gravel, dirt and dust, 

through the shadow, I will trust

Wild mountains, rugged trails

Before morning, the cock wails

Surrounded by beauty and by love

All good gifts come from above

We’ve come to dig, but first we’ll see

Make Christ evident in me

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An observation. The people dress like in the States, often skinny jeans for the womena dn typical clothing for the guys. It’s not like because they live in mud huts they wear dirty clothes or old clothes. A lot of these people are wearing all the top American brand names. I don’t know where they get the clothing, but it’s the same style as America, with maybe a little Honduran flair. :) 

They have parasitic grass growing on the powerlines from the moisture of the air. Crazy!

I am always struck by how well you can still communicate with words. I realize how weak I am in Spanish, really next to nothing. I know greetings and some nouns. I feel so helpless at times. But it’s when I can’t use words that I smile. I find myself smiling at these beautiful people all the time. :) I can’t belive how much I love and will miss these people when I’m gone. It already feels like home here. It all fells so comfortable, and I’m so use to it all already.

Sitting on the dirt next to newly made friends. Playing football with them. Sleeping in their community, eating with them. Walking with them.

English Vintner

Honduras

I'm still processing my trip.

Three weeks in a country is enough to learn the culture and lose your heart to it. That's what happened. I loved the people I met, the culture, the country...

I loved to see what God was doing there and it was amazing to see Jesus shinning through in so many moments of the trip.

I took a detailed account of the days, and my thoughts, and hope to put onto electronic form my journal for people to read what my trip was like. 

I'm not ready for America, and I'm not ready for the fast pace. I don't want to check my email or get sucked into facebook. I just want to live with the people I'm around and laugh and dance, and cook and love with them. That's what Honduras was, away from a phone, internet, any earphones, it was an amazing time of being away from all that, and certainly led me to more quiet time to think and write and process.

"This is true love, you think it happens everyday?" -Princess Bride

Much love to all, forgive me if words fail me when you ask about my trip. It's more than you could imagine, you "had to be there" in some sense to fully grasp it.

English Vintner

Food

I'm reading through Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist. She talks about how essential food is to good hospitality and conversation. The center point of it all.

Food should not be just a 'fuel' we consume to stay alive, but it should be the place where families come together to eat together. Supper is more than a time to pack in some calories, it's a time to reunite with family members, talk about the day, enjoy fellowship over good food. Food should be delicious and should be enjoyed. Good food and drink will make a wonderful party, providing good atmosphere for conversation.

The job of a host is to make people feel at home. Be able to be at ease in your home. Good food, and making people feel comfortable is essential to put people at ease. Food makes memories happen, it's what makes those perfect nights with friends. Food is not the real reason for parties and hangouts, it's simply the medium for fellowship and conversation with friends. It should be good, it should have thought put into it, people should love it, but it's only the medium to make the wonderful memories with family and friends. Think back to wonderful gatherings with family and friends, they center around holiday meals and food for a reason. Thanksgiving wouldn't be the same without the food, but the fellowship is what will change us and make us grow more and help eachother. Christmas is centered around food, but it's the time of being together that makes it so wonderful.

Food, as God made it should be nourishing to our bodies as well as pleasing to the eyes and mouth. We have to balance these and when we do we find the beauty in them. Food is an art, it's one of my favorite art forms because I'm so good at it. I find more delight in cooking than other forms of art like painting and music. I find myself in my element when I'm in the kitchen and things just come together and happen as I work. That is the joy of cooking and food.

So find the beauty in food. Make it, eat it, enjoy it. Find people to share the food with, food means fellowship, we're not meant to hoard it and eat alone, but with the people we love. So find someone, break a loaf of bread, and find the beauty of it.

English Vintner

Early Morning

The early morning offers protection, a shield from others. Cloaked in darkness and quietness and with the knowledge that most people are a sleep offers to hide what you do.

So slip off into the woods, say a prayer, speak out loud to the God above. Knowing it’s just you, and God. Read your Bible, make a cup of tea, or a pot of Joe to accompany yourself.

The early morning is the one time of day when most everyone is sleeping. The night owls have drunk themselves to sleep, or exhausted have passed out on their beds. 

But now, the world is offered a new start. Another chance to do good, make right what was wrong. To do the best to your ability. 

But who will take God up on this offer? Who will sacrifice a few hours of sleep to be one of the first to experience the morning. One of the first to see the light of day creep across the horizon. Will you take this opportunity to be alone and experience God?

This, my friend, is the early morning. The early morning is a quiet, thoughtful time of meditation and prayer. A time to recoup and clear your head. A time to plan the day ahead. To get a ‘head start’ to your day. A time to enjoy the sound of birdsong and the breeze whisper through the trees. To see the doe at the edge of the forest and the shadows creep back into their nooks and crannies.
A time to enjoy the creation and God without distraction and busyness of the day time. Without the noise and clamor. A quiet time filled with peace and tranquility. 

So when you hear me say “I’m a morning person” this is what I’m really saying. This is what I really mean.

English Vintner

Starbucks

I sat down at the table at Starbucks, plugged in my computer and listened to music as I read a couple of paragraphs of The Unsettling of America. A couple came to the table and asked if they could plug in their computer and sit down. I happily complied as I’m always looking for ways to interact and talk with people. I’m not always that good with starting, but if someone else initiates, I’m all in. 

She sat down and asked me a few questions, I said I was up here working at the Boardwalk Chapel. We told stuff about ourselves. They go to a more charismatic church in between Lancaster and Philadelphia. We got to talking about churches a little bit, and that went into adoption and missions. Several of her grandchildren are adopted and we talked about that for a while, I told her my parents were looking at adopting. I told her about my possible mission internship to Uganda and that I was going to Honduras in November. We had connections all over the place, people we knew going to Honduras, and just had that cool connection that Christians have when they interact. We talked for a good 15-20 minutes. I told her where I was in life, not really interested in school, more into agriculture and missions. At the end she asked me about the book I was reading and we talked about Monsanto and all the stuff about it. We agreed on how evil we believe Monsanto to be and how Godless they treat their customers. 

She let me get back to reading, which I complied to, but obviously was happy to talk with her. After she had checked stuff on her computer she gave me a hug and $20 and said how good it was to meet me. How Christians are everywhere and how encouraging it was to meet me and talk with me. She said she had a good feeling about me, and how God’s hand was upon me when she sat down. 

It was so cool to see God’s hand at work. I love interacting with people, meeting random people, especially Christians, and just talking about life and Jesus, and what he’s doing in our lives. It was definitely a great experience and I am overjoyed with how God put that in my life!

English Vintner

The Finish Line

Doug Clark was an amazing man. I didn’t have the privilege to get to know him very well, I just saw his interaction with others, and listened in on conversations. I still am having a hard time believing I won’t see his grinning face when I go back to my church. He ministered so well to many of the families in our church that were going through very hard times. It was so cool to see an elder with views so similar to my families on so many levels. He knew his doctrine, but he loved people. He loved people. You could see it in his face, in the way he interacted with everyone. One of those very comforting people to be around, a great laugh. He had three children who were all going to his church, all of them married, and with quite a few grandchildren running around. He could see leadership in someone and put people in places to make them grow. He was the elder who would often read the hard things that had come upon the congregation and also was moderator for many circumstances. He was so good at dealing with hard situations that would come up. 

He will be missed. There are many tears being shed for him around the world of people who know him. His family will miss him, his wife will miss him. But he’s found ultimate joy, peace, satisfaction. He’s already finished the race, we still have yet to run, but he’s been taken home. His medal of honor has been awarded to him. One day we to will fellowship again with him. For we live in a world without hope, except for that of Christ Jesus. When we put our trust and hope in Jesus we have a life worth living, and death is our reward. There is no fear in death, for Jesus will hold your hand, and hug you on the other side. So, weep, weep tears of grief, allow the sorrow to be, but know that on the third day, Jesus rose again from the dead. After the darkness there is light. Weep now, but remember that joy comes in the morning. It is right to cry, to be sad, but do not stay there forever. We serve a God who lives, and His love never fails. Christ is Risen! 

English Vintner

He will be missed

When the reality hits you so hard you don’t know what to do

it’s gut wrenching; it’s hard to do anything, let alone breathe,

breathe, it’s hard to do that

hot, wet tears flow down my cheeks as I write,

stumbling, trying my best to capture my emotions in the words,

I’m not sure how to think, or what to think

There’s a purpose, but why? for What?

There’s hope, but there was no good bye

These words ringing through my ears over and over:

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant through the trial and the change

One thing remains

One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me 

On and on and on and on it goes

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul

And I never ever have to be afraid

One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love

My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

“I will not say do not weep; for not all tears are an evil” 

And it’s true, through your tears you show your love for someone,

“Jesus wept.”

English Vintner