Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Who am I?

This is unedited...what I felt and wrote in a moment, without further looking over it, I apologize ahead of time, it's just me, you know?

They said don’t do that, don’t be him, be yourself, be who you are. What if I don’t like who I am? What if who I am is just a scared little boy clinging to some idea of what manliness is someday, and hoping that it comes my way, sooner rather than later? What if what I want for myself is what I see in someone else?

Be myself? What is myself? I’m not who I was four years ago, I’m way more out going, I talk in my small group, I don’t sit there in silence. So who am I? Am I who I was, am I who I am, or am I who I want to be but I am not? I think I am all of those. I’m not letting who I was define who I am today. Change can happen, but when change comes, what does it look like? 

So how does one change? Does one look around and see a role model and become like him? Does one see the outgoingness and the pursuit of many relationships and try to become like that? Does change see the traits in someone else and take them on themselves? 

Who I am is someone who tends to be quiet outside of family and close friends. I don’t generally speak how I really feel around others. It often takes a while to get to know people. Who do I want to be? I want to be the guy who shows up and gets to know everyone and shows love to all those he comes in contact with. The guy who has a smile on his face and a hug to give to everyone, ready to show love to all those he meets. Someone who easily starts up a conversation and spreads himself thin over relationships with people. I want to show up in a new setting and be the most outgoing one there, meeting new people, inviting people to his house, hosting parties, laughing loudly. . . 

So how does one get there? I pray for courage, 20 seconds of insane courage, courage for the moments, and lots of practice. I find myself being able to be more of my funny loud side not only with family, but carrying that into my other life outside. I am finding that I can change, it just takes time. Are all shy people like me, wishing their whole lives to be more than who they are? Wishing to be that guy who starts up a conversation like nobody’s business, gives hugs to everyone he comes in contact with, that guy who comes in and owns the place in a sense. . . 

So be myself? I’m not satisfied with being myself, I don’t see that as wholly biblical for me actually, how can I be ministering and helping others when I’m to quiet and not outgoing to meet others? I’m not judging anyone here but myself. This is for me, I feel like I am naturally quiet, shy, not exactly introverted....I want to be someone who is outgoing, loving to all those around, and ready to spend themselves on others, giving away stuff all the time...I want to be more than I am...I think it will be a journey, but I believe that God will do this...for we serve a God who like a Father, how can he refuse a child who keeps asking and praying? 

English Vintner