It’s really annoying being handicapped. I’ll be honest with you. It’s not a conscious thing it’s more subtle than that. It’s waking up everyday and realize that in someway you’re probably failing some body, or at least inconveniencing them. I’m not trying to be the victim, just getting my thoughts out.
I know that somewhere along the way I’ve not done a good enough job. I probably left that door open, I know I left that thing on your counter, and not being able to clean or organize after myself is frustrating. It’s not just the fact that I don’t have a right hand to help out with; but the fact that I need to be spending 10-20 minutes every stinking hour doing hand therapy. So yes, I will fail you, I will be a burden to you, I won’t be able to do a good enough job. I’m sorry. I didn't choose my circumstances. I didn't choose to fall down, I don't choose to be a burden, but unfortunately, thats just how it will be. It’s what we do with our circumstances that matters.
If I don't put in the time thatI need to right now in my hand therapy I’ll go the rest of my life with a bad hand. I have to look long term here. All those times I didn't do it right, made you wait for me, it will be the reason I can use my hand later on.
You see, normal people don't realize what’s like to be handicapped. Sure when it’s happening and right after surgery they are sympathetic, but it’s the long lonely journey, when you look just fine. No visible pain, you can make do with what you have. In their minds you are back to normal, you should keep up with the bills, with normal life, with what everyone else is doing. Its a lonely road, this path of recovery. No one to tell you what to do, no one to be there every time you don’t feel like doing your hand exercises but nudging you on, or telling you it’s worth it.
I have to remember all the time that doing hand therapy over that other important thing is worth it. That not getting back to that person, making them wait is okay. It’s a journey for sure, and most of the time not enjoyable, and lonely. God’s been teaching me things through it but I feel like hand therapy even takes away from time with Him. I’m struggling to stay focussed on Him, feeling like I’m failing Him in some way.