This is an unedited version of my reflections, read the raw untamed words of the past 12 weeks of theater, doing Little Women.
Why, why? Why must we go on? Why can the best moments in life continue on? Why do they fly by so fleetingly; so fast? When will I see them again, when will I have the connection I had with them? Why must we go on?
I came in late and had to learn fast, but those past 12 weeks have been so bonding. The love and support I had from everyone was incredible. The confidence the directors had in me was incredible. Truly a gift from God to have this opportunity, and God has used it for the good. I have been changed through this theater production. And now it’s over. So I sit here, crying silent tears, overwhelmed by it all. The realization strikes...this is it...it’s really over....why does love hurt like this? Why so much? How can I go on? I want to do this again...I want to love on each and everyone of my cast members. To hug them, to show them again and again how much they meant to me. But it’s over. I want to rehearse again and again..I want to sing my songs, say my lines. I miss being back stage, watching my fellow actors perform, hearing the guys pray in the dressing room, frantically changing clothes in front of people I hardly know. Why?
I didn’t think I could learn as much as I did. I have learned to sing how you are supposed to sing, using your stomach, how to breathe correctly. I’ve learned how to act even more, how to take criticism and change the ways I needed to change. What a correlation between our own lives and the lives of one we are portraying on stage. We can take criticism when we’re on stage, but when it comes to our own lives it is so much harder. I believe being an actor can help bridge the gap.
I just want things to continue the way they are. I want to do this again and again. I want to hear the audience laugh, feel the emotion pulse through my veins. Laugh and cry with my fellow thespians.
I am so impressed by this cast. When we took time to pray, the ones who prayed, showing leadership. I was so impressed with all the guys who took time before each performance to pray together, what an inspiration to see us all huddled in a group, clamoring to be the next one pray, because we love Jesus so much. Even the most ‘immature’ among us showed me the side to them that loves Jesus. How thankful I am.
My directors, how can I thank you enough? The way you supported me, each rehearsal, coaching me, having faith in me. The time and money you gave to me/us is inspiring. Self sacrificing is the most inspiring thing I have ever seen, and when I see you giving yourself to me it means so much. You spend an enormous amount of time and energy into making us look good, sound good. How amazing a thing it is, how humbling. You believed in me all the way, and gave me the courage to do what I did, the encouragement to work hard and make it happen. How can I thank you enough?
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this love, this opportunity to be with you all, to learn what I’ve learned. I took someone else’s place, this should’ve been someone else. But no, God had it that I would have this place. Undeserving. I don’t deserve the friendships I’ve made, I don’t deserve the hugs I’ve exchanged, the laughs we’ve had...I don’t deserve this, and yet you, Jesus have given it to me. What a picture of grace. What Jesus has done for my life...to look at me and see something beautiful, to look past the sin and just love me.
The amount of love I have for my cast members I cannot even express. If it’s one thing I’ve learned is that you cannot receive or give too many hugs. Forget handshakes, go for the real thing.
I will not forget this. To come in more than half way through a musical and get the lead guy part. I will not forget what I have learned about singing. I will not forget the directors who have given me everything. I will not forget the friendships I’ve made, the bonds we have. I will not forget the hugs we’ve given. I will not forget this. I will cherish it. I thank each and everyone of you who made this unforgettable. Who made this happen, work. Acting means so much to me, and I’ve never gotten as close to a cast as I did in this one. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I dedicate my performance to my amazing sister Londa who gave so much and got so little. To God be the glory.