Feminism...my thoughts?

I look around me and I see how the world treats women. I even look around and see how many ‘Christian’ men treat women. Maybe it’s not in the way they act but the way they talk about them. Maybe it’s just a joke, but maybe there is more truth to it than there seems to be. I don’t know. What I do know is that I hold in my mind a respect for women that some people would probably think goes too far. When I think of women they are equal and I will treat them with that respect. I do not join in on jokes about women, or talk about them even behind their backs about them. I might confess to their mysteriousness, but I will not degrade them. I probably tend to be a little bit of a feminist myself in my view on this. I have a tendency to be somewhat rebellious, and this is one way that it shows up. I hold a view of women at least as equals, if not superior to men, and I look around and see the disgusting guys around me in this world. I see how needy we are for real men. I think about how hard it can be to be a true Christian guy in this world, and try to fathom how many real men are really out there. I may be put down by the other gender, but I will always hold them in high esteem. I will always give them their due respect and privilege. I refuse to joke about them with other guys and I refuse to lower my respect of them. I see how Jesus treats women, and I seek to do the same.

English Vintner

Who am I?

This is unedited...what I felt and wrote in a moment, without further looking over it, I apologize ahead of time, it's just me, you know?

They said don’t do that, don’t be him, be yourself, be who you are. What if I don’t like who I am? What if who I am is just a scared little boy clinging to some idea of what manliness is someday, and hoping that it comes my way, sooner rather than later? What if what I want for myself is what I see in someone else?

Be myself? What is myself? I’m not who I was four years ago, I’m way more out going, I talk in my small group, I don’t sit there in silence. So who am I? Am I who I was, am I who I am, or am I who I want to be but I am not? I think I am all of those. I’m not letting who I was define who I am today. Change can happen, but when change comes, what does it look like? 

So how does one change? Does one look around and see a role model and become like him? Does one see the outgoingness and the pursuit of many relationships and try to become like that? Does change see the traits in someone else and take them on themselves? 

Who I am is someone who tends to be quiet outside of family and close friends. I don’t generally speak how I really feel around others. It often takes a while to get to know people. Who do I want to be? I want to be the guy who shows up and gets to know everyone and shows love to all those he comes in contact with. The guy who has a smile on his face and a hug to give to everyone, ready to show love to all those he meets. Someone who easily starts up a conversation and spreads himself thin over relationships with people. I want to show up in a new setting and be the most outgoing one there, meeting new people, inviting people to his house, hosting parties, laughing loudly. . . 

So how does one get there? I pray for courage, 20 seconds of insane courage, courage for the moments, and lots of practice. I find myself being able to be more of my funny loud side not only with family, but carrying that into my other life outside. I am finding that I can change, it just takes time. Are all shy people like me, wishing their whole lives to be more than who they are? Wishing to be that guy who starts up a conversation like nobody’s business, gives hugs to everyone he comes in contact with, that guy who comes in and owns the place in a sense. . . 

So be myself? I’m not satisfied with being myself, I don’t see that as wholly biblical for me actually, how can I be ministering and helping others when I’m to quiet and not outgoing to meet others? I’m not judging anyone here but myself. This is for me, I feel like I am naturally quiet, shy, not exactly introverted....I want to be someone who is outgoing, loving to all those around, and ready to spend themselves on others, giving away stuff all the time...I want to be more than I am...I think it will be a journey, but I believe that God will do this...for we serve a God who like a Father, how can he refuse a child who keeps asking and praying? 

English Vintner

Theater Reflections

This is an unedited version of my reflections, read the raw untamed words of the past 12 weeks of theater, doing Little Women. 

Why, why? Why must we go on? Why can the best moments in life continue on? Why do they fly by so fleetingly; so fast? When will I see them again, when will I have the connection I had with them? Why must we go on? 

I came in late and had to learn fast, but those past 12 weeks have been so bonding. The love and support I had from everyone was incredible. The confidence the directors had in me was incredible. Truly a gift from God to have this opportunity, and God has used it for the good. I have been changed through this theater production. And now it’s over. So I sit here, crying silent tears, overwhelmed by it all. The realization strikes...this is it...it’s really over....why does love hurt like this? Why so much? How can I go on? I want to do this again...I want to love on each and everyone of my cast members. To hug them, to show them again and again how much they meant to me. But it’s over. I want to rehearse again and again..I want to sing my songs, say my lines. I miss being back stage, watching my fellow actors perform, hearing the guys pray in the dressing room, frantically changing clothes in front of people I hardly know. Why?

I didn’t think I could learn as much as I did. I have learned to sing how you are supposed to sing, using your stomach, how to breathe correctly. I’ve learned how to act even more, how to take criticism and change the ways I needed to change. What a correlation between our own lives and the lives of one we are portraying on stage. We can take criticism when we’re on stage, but when it comes to our own lives it is so much harder. I believe being an actor can help bridge the gap. 

I just want things to continue the way they are. I want to do this again and again. I want to hear the audience laugh, feel the emotion pulse through my veins. Laugh and cry with my fellow thespians. 

I am so impressed by this cast. When we took time to pray, the ones who prayed, showing leadership. I was so impressed with all the guys who took time before each performance to pray together, what an inspiration to see us all huddled in a group, clamoring to be the next one pray, because we love Jesus so much. Even the most ‘immature’ among us showed me the side to them that loves Jesus. How thankful I am.

My directors, how can I thank you enough? The way you supported me, each rehearsal, coaching me, having faith in me. The time and money you gave to me/us is inspiring. Self sacrificing is the most inspiring thing I have ever seen, and when I see you giving  yourself to me it means so much. You spend an enormous amount of time and energy into making us  look good, sound good. How amazing a thing it is, how humbling. You believed in me all the way, and gave me the courage to do what I did, the encouragement to work hard and make it happen. How can I thank you enough?

I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this love, this opportunity to be with you all, to learn what I’ve learned. I took someone else’s place, this should’ve been someone else. But no, God had it that I would have this place. Undeserving. I don’t deserve the friendships I’ve made, I don’t deserve the hugs I’ve exchanged, the laughs we’ve had...I don’t deserve this, and yet you, Jesus have given it to me. What a picture of grace. What Jesus has done for my life...to look at me and see something beautiful, to look past the sin and just love me. 

The amount of love I have for my cast members I cannot even express. If it’s one thing I’ve learned is that you cannot receive or give too many hugs. Forget handshakes, go for the real thing. 

I will not forget this. To come in more than half way through a musical and get the lead guy part. I will not forget what I have learned about singing. I will not forget the directors who have given me everything. I will not forget the friendships I’ve made, the bonds we have. I will not forget the hugs we’ve given. I will not forget this. I will cherish it. I thank each and everyone of you who made this unforgettable. Who made this happen, work. Acting means so much to me, and I’ve never gotten as close to a cast as I did in this one. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I dedicate my performance to my amazing sister Londa who gave so much and got so little. To God be the glory.

English Vintner

Behind the Curtains

This is a poem, dedicated and about my amazing sister Londa. A better actor would be hard to find, someone who's love for theater is greater than most. Dedication to an amazing production, willingness, hard work...wow, you. are. amazing. How can I say thank you? How can I possibly know exactly what you're feeling? This is but a slight attempt for me to enter into your heart, feel the ache you must feel. I love you so much.

Back behind the curtains

so uncertain of the outcome

Grasping for a moment 

just to be out on the stage

It’s not about the people

it’s the magic it contains

When you put your foot

down firmly, and

walk across the stage

It’s the feeling you get

seconds before, 

you make your first 

stage move

Oh the intensity

oh the immensity 

That natural love of acting

To work so long,

to work so hard,

and see someone take your place

To lose what means the world,

when lost in the emotion,

Your head all in a swirl,

how can you even stand?

Only with these words still 

ringing:

“The best is yet to come”

English Vintner

So loved

Imagine yourself in another world, the god of that world creates an earth, with all of it’s creation and puts human kind on the earth. This god walks with the first two humans until one day they disobey him and he withdraws his direct presence from the earth. They multiply and continue to live. How long do you think it would be before the humans believed in someone bigger than them creating the whole world they live in? Frankly it only makes sense to believe in someone bigger than you creating everything. But wouldn’t it be so like us humans to be arrogant, to be proud, to be so conceited of our selves that we would make up anything other than what we know to be the truth? That is so us, to create a myth, to create stories, to cover up the real thing. Deep down we know there is a God, the creator of all this, it only makes sense when we take a look around. This doesn’t happen by chance, there is a God, and he created you and me. And if he created you and me, than he wants a personal and intimate relationship with us. 

John 3:16 reads “For God so loved the word.” We don’t have to go farther than that, but just stop and see, God so loved us. He didn’t have to put that in his word, but he did. God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. He sent his Son not to condemn this world, but save it. God LOVES you! God sent his Son to die for YOU! Jesus was sent here, not to condemn you, but save you! How great a God we serve!

English Vintner

My Bro

Things I admire or like about Josiah. (I hope I don’t embarrass him too much, but after a visit I had to write down and put down thoughts I had in my head.)

His ability to compliment or say confirming words, even if he doesn’t quite mean it. His ability to strike up a conversation, which usually starts with some of the casual mundane things which I often don’t like to do. He has an ability to hide most of his feeling about someone he doesn’t like when talking to them, which I admire. 

The energy he brings to the house is always amazing to me. Things like jumping in a starting work on a project or chores, but then slips away. He has a very cool capability to get others to do work for him, and that only comes from jumping in and starting, so you have to be willing to start. And I guess in a sense that is a lot of his personality, starting something new, being willing to jump in. Another way you can feel his energy is the way he carries himself and is in a sense willing to make a mistake. He thumps down the stairs when he comes down and shouts something hilarious, some quote or a question about why we’re not having fun, or enough fun. He is loud, which is something that isn’t natural to me unless I’m around a lot of really close friends or family and we’re playing something, or I’m psyched on coffee. :)  When he is playing a game, especially a competitive game he can be somewhat manipulative. Which makes him very fun to watch and play with. If you can be on his side it’s a blast! He is willing to do a lot for a laugh, and when he does something funny I can’t help but laugh at him. 

Another thing I really like about him is how he in one sense is so uncaring about his looks. He said everyone at Lampeter says he has the worst style ever. But he’s willing for them to think that. He doesn’t work out, but that is just another thing about him. In one sense he has such pride, and in another sense he has the worst style, doesn’t work out, he’s not super buff. He is an amazing dude. He doesn’t like skinny women, he’s the kind of guy real girls will like. They’re not going to like him because he looks really sexy and has forearms the size of my thigh, they’re going to love him because he is willing to be the ‘odd one’ in a room of others. He’s not letting working out or style get in the way of other important things, like God. This makes him so amazing to me, so humbling, and so, unique, you don’t often find this in a guy, and when you’re related to him? Yeah, beast!

I love talking with him, especially at 2am in the morning about theology and other stuff. He has been away and has the ability to form his own ideas and opinions on it. He’s seen both sides. He loves theology, but also is willing to be on fire for Jesus and show some emotion in worship. One of my favourite things was hearing him pray. His spontaneous ability in prayer, his realness, his relationship that he has with God is so moving. He is definitely going to be a good President for the Christian Union this year. I can’t wait to see all the ways God will use him. He is such a cool guy.

I love his choice of music and ability to play what is most often wanted or wished for, even without telling him. He plays emotional music when things are emotional, but will often change it because he’s “about to throw up” and plays something hilarious. He finds the funniest videos on youtube and it’s so fun to watch them with him. 

And to end I’ll quote from an interview about Les Mis, said by Russell Crowe about Hugh Jackman, but one that we’ve quoted to each other and could potentially be applied to Josiah. “He’s like this triple threat, you know? This singin’, actin’, dancin’ dude, you know?”

English Vintner

Weep?

What is it about crying that makes the human ashamed of it? Is it the fact that you are showing one side of your emotions (laughter is emotion too)? Is it the fact that homo sapiens are the only species that cry tears of emotion?

I believe something is happening when you cry, when you weep. You release part of your emotion into the tears. It is a way of relieving stress, letting go of something inside us. 

After the parting of my cousins and then my brother, whom I will not see for at least a year and a half, it was so hard not to burst into tears every time I thought about it, or listened to a song, or reflected on the awesome time we’d had. I then came home and took an ipod with me into the woods. I wanted a place to be alone and just cried for about half an hour. And it really was like releasing the emotions inside. After that I wasn’t nearly as close to crying every other second, I wasn’t about to fall over and pass out because of the intense pain and holding of breath with the realization of the situation at hand. It was letting it out, instead of holding the sadness of parting inside I let it fall, gave it to God. 

It’s kind of like a journey. After you’ve wept it is like coming out of the valley, and until you cry you are still held in the grasp of intense emotion. It doesn’t usually make me more vulnerable to crying, but less because I’ve let it out. 

And so to end this post I will quote from an amazing book that expresses such deep emotion. 

“I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” -Gandalf

English Vintner

Good byes

Is the sadness worth it? I guess when it hurts, hurts so much you can’t even sleep after running on less than 5 hours of sleep over the past week , it means that you really love someone. When you spend the week talking, singing, dancing, praying, way late into the night, every night, and get up too early for the amount of sleep you got, that is love. But is the pain worth it? When the parting comes, when the time is up, when it’s time to say good bye. Of course it is. The pain, the heart ache, it is not out of sin that it comes, but rather out of the bond of love. The friendship, the laughter, the tears, the bond of love between you. And when it’s time to say good bye, time to separate yourself for a time, it is sadness that we cannot go on in what we are doing. We cannot go on in the fun we are having, in the community that we are experiencing, in the building up of one another in the talking with each other. It’s the fact that we are parted that makes our hearts sad, not a hurt, but a longing for more. 

And it’s depressing to look on and see how long it is before we may see each other again, but you can’t do that. Not only anyway. You have to look back and see the times you had, remember, cherish what you did. How can you enjoy the moment when someone you very much wish is not there, or you are parted from friends? Well it’s hard, very hard. I don’t have the answers to this life. 

There are two things that I see in life that most make me wish for heaven. The one is to see the brokenness, the hurt, the pain of this world, and the other is to experience the love and joy and beauty of this world. That the joy might go on forever, that we could enjoy one another’s company over and over. Talking, laughing, singing, that is heaven, that is what makes me wish for it. To be with Jesus and the saints. To be forever in peace, to be away from this hurt and pain of this world. So I’m wishing for heaven, that the day will come when we will be as one body, in unity, in love and friendship. Getting to spend eternity in a place where no tear of sadness will be shed, when we can talk with friends, laugh over jokes, look at the beauty of it all. 

Until that day what should we do? So often I come out of a ‘family reunion’ and the only thing I want to do is evangelize and love others. To spend the rest of my life in the only thing that seems worth it, sharing what God has given me. The gift of love, Jesus. I don’t know where I would be without my family. It is so amazing to have my extended family brothers and sisters in Christ. That when we get together we feel exactly the same about God, that we can talk about him and that we both will spend eternity together. Build one another up in love, form stronger friendships. I think this has been the best Christmas yet. It was so good to have Josiah home, well worth it, I would’ve paid the full ticket if I had had the cash. The games we played, films we watched and then opening Christmas presents on Christmas day. Josiah adds an energy that is hard to replicate and makes you want to be around him. It was even better when cousins from both sides came and the fun we had. Playing games, Mafia, Dictionary game, one on one conversations with each other, eating, staying up late. The whole week I never went to bed before 12am, most of the time closer to 2am. Then getting up between 7-8:30am every day. It’s no wonder I feel emotional right now, no sleep, tons of coffee, and farewells? Hallelujah!

My New Year’s resolution is to love more in ways both physical and words. After watching Father of Lights it inspired me to love people even more, both Christian brethren and sinners who are lost and are so deep in sin. Count it all joy! So live, love, and wonder!

English Vintner

Dawn

What is it about the early morning, dawn. That holy hour, between darkness and light. A blending of colors on the horizon. The potential for anything during that hour. The quiet, the stillness of it. What draws me to it? Before the sun has shown himself and said how the day will go, before everything has happened, there is so much that can. The potential for the morning starts with dawn. 

-English Vintner

It's a dangerous business, Frodo

Is it a sin to break social norms? To go against the flow. To wear sneakers with a tee and blazer? To act yourself around the President, not putting your shoulders back, not acting more than you are. But is that who we are? Or do we become more than we are? Do we, by putting on a show, become that show? The show becomes us? Do we hide behind money, does it bring the best of us? If we had nothing, who would we really be? Would we be the same without it? Do we put on a mask, only to reveal what really lies behind it? How far do we go? What is this life? We humble homo sapiens, created in the image of God, made from dust, six thousand years ago. From the simple life of a garden, to a society and social norms that would blow away the common man of three thousand years ago. 

How do you be yourself, be honest, and yet continue to grow? To change? How can you keep being who you are, when you yourself are changing? When what you use to believe, is no longer what you believe in. What you use to do you no longer do. How do you be yourself when you don’t even know who you are? 

Is there a change, and how does it happen? From boy to man, girl to woman, child to adult. Where does it happen, and how and why? Can we keep a part of who we are? Can we keep a bit of who we were and be who we are?

You know, maybe those people who start the trends, who start the new fashions, who go on to be something or someone great, maybe those were the ones who didn’t care what others thought about them. They let it all fall beside them, it didn’t get in the way, they were honest. They did what they did because that was who they were. And you know, it caught on, someone else saw it and said “I want to be like that too, I like that about that person.”. Is that how fashions happen? Is that how sayings come to be? Is it those few, brave souls that are willing to be embarrassed, willing to put themselves at risk to be who they are? 

How does one live in the age of today, how does one grow up, yet keep himself? Too often I’ve seen the child become adult, and that person loose everything I held dear to that person. Humor, creativity, adventure, a sense of fun. And maybe that’s not the most important thing to keep, maybe Jesus is. But I still find it hard for me to see that and want to be that person. I love the child, the little kid who’s innocence is so pure you can see it in his eyes, the way he looks at you. How honest children are, saying it like it is, acting the way they feel, not trying to cover the truth. And maybe there are times when the truth should be masked because the truth is too painful, but I think too often we’re just afraid. Afraid for ourselves, we’re afraid to loose ourselves, become the odd one in the group. 

But if you can loose that, if you can keep your sense of humor, creativity, sense of adventure and fun. Love like a child, talk and act truthfully, that’s what I want to be. I want to be that person who hasn’t lost his love of fun, jokes, adventure, is still willing to throw a little caution to the side and jump in. Is still willing to lose a little sleep and play a game. To stay up late talking into the night. And maybe I will change, but I can’t see it yet. I want to be who I am now, in five years. 

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

English Vintner